Thursday, August 1, 2013

Got your Phil yet?

The world is going to pot. The economy is built on a crumbling foundation. The social fabric is beyond repair. Our political system is an irredeemable mess. A rising tide of tiny children seems to be overwhelming adult society, making logical and compassionate living an impossibility. (That last one might just be a local phenomenon. Not sure. I don't get out much.) So, now I have finally figured out what most of you already knew: there is no point even trying to change the world anymore. So I have done what many demoralized males have done throughout history: watched streaming golf tournaments online, lots of them.

I'm not good at golf, nor do I think it is a particularly worthwhile endeavor. In fact, with an evaporating middle class and evaporating worldwide water supplies I am dubious about its future. Its best days are probably behind it. For now though, it will endure as the best way to gather all potential Cialis, Rolex, Lexus, and mutual fund customers in front of one channel.

Anyway, for some reason the other sports just aren't doing it for me anymore. So a new weekly rhythm has developed in my life.

- Monday - Is it Thursday yet?
- Tuesday - Is it Thursday yet?
- Wednesday - Is it Thursday yet?
- Thursday - Who's getting off to a good start in this week's tournament(s)?
- Friday - Who's gonna make the cut?
- Saturday - Network coverage! Let's gather 'round the TV kids. It's too sunny and pleasant to go outside anyway.
- Sunday - Let's watch the dramatic conclusion. I even borrowed an antenna so I could watch in HD.

These really are the thoughts that run through my head several times a day.

I have made feeble attempts to psychoanalyze Tiger Woods and some of the other golfers but I have "synthesized" nothing worthy of publication. But that's never stopped me before. So here are two of my syntheses.

This is almost precisely what my mind sees when someone says the word ham-fisted.
1) Phil Mickelson is the worst fist pumper ever. I find it astounding that one of the most finely tuned athletes on the planet makes gestures no more graceful than those of a wounded crow. This issue has not really been addressed online (you'll always find it here first!) so I couldn't find any montages of his atrocious fistwork and don't have the time to make my own. Usually he reminds me of a goofy computer programmer celebrating after debugging a new Fakeblock app. The gif at right is one of his better fistpumps and as you can see the drunk golf enthusiast in the front row has a much looser and more natural technique. However, if you care to see other examples you can watch last week's Open Championship highlights. His birdie putt on 14 (at 3:30) is followed by three fist pumps. The first is at least 6-8 inches up into the awkward zone. The second looks like an attempt to make up for the first. Lower yes, but really shaky at the end and honestly it looks like the motion a person would make who just completely lost his mind and decided to punch a five-year-old on top of his head. The last one is staid and sober, but looks a little arthritic. Take some more Enbrel, Lefty! And his dorky overhead double fistpumps after his birdie on 18 (at 5:30) are arrhythmic and cute, neither of which is a complement. They even show one in slow-mo so you can see his lumbering musculature vibrate and appreciate each of his lower teeth in full victory grimace.

I don't mean to be hard on Phil. Everybody loves him and I'm usually rooting for him too. It's probably because he looks just like your average shop teacher with big feet, a loping gait, a paunch, ham-fists, and somehow, inexplicably, a perfect golf swing and the best short game the world has ever seen. He's also always courteous and friendly with the gallery. I often think he is painfully self-conscious and perhaps "needs" the love from the crowd, but that's just my amateur psychoanalysis. Seriously though, he tipped his hat, nodded his head, and glanced furtively at the gallery at least 40 times on the way up to the 18th green to card his last birdie and claim his Claret Jug. I mean literally every 2 seconds. It stresses me out. Just chill Lefty. Everyone loves you already.

Anyway, Phil's and Tiger's golf skills may be about on par these days, but Tiger clearly stands alone as a fist pumper for the ages.

2) Some PGA golfers keep reminding me of actors. By the way, none of these even showed up on Golf Digest's doppelganger list. Anyway here are my top three golf doppelgangers. Honk if you agree.


Zack Johnson is...                                                                

















 Joaquin Phoenix
They also both have clefts

 










                      
Scott Stallings is...
                                           













 Thomas Hayden Church
It's more than just the ears


















and Ryan Moore is...
Russell Crowe

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The Fantasy of Freedom

"Liberty is the right to tell people what they don't want to hear." George Orwell

So listen up.

e duobus unum, Thomas Edison and Henry Ford together forever
Collectively we have imposed many restrictions on ourselves, some by convention, but many by law. Garbage bins of deodorant near airport security lines attest to this. "No shirt, no shoes..." No hitchhiking. Click it or ticket. No engine-braking, whatever. We can't even legally drive without like a dozen specific light bulbs on the exterior of our cars. Go ahead, stop and count them. My wife who abhors the proliferation of chintzy multi-colored Christmas lights should be even more aghast at the freeways full of red, yellow, and white that we wade through on a regular basis. The colors of our garish glowing flag and the toot of our dissonant horns are exhibited clearly from our homogenized four-wheeled chariots. We the people have chosen our allegiance: safety first.

Even so, when asked if we have too many choices or not enough choices, most of us will roll our eyes and think of the menu at the nearest Chinese food cart which offers at least 6 dozen mind-numbing ways to consume the same 15 ingredients. Even cars display many important differences while complying with thousands of protective standards. How can our choices seem so numerous and yet still be so few, so boring, and so self-defeating?

"Those who sacrifice liberty for security deserve neither." Ben Franklin
Go to the store and buy a T-shirt. You will have a hundred choices of color, design, neck, size, fit, and brand but you will only find two materials they are made from and one process by which they are made, thoroughly understood by only a handful of people on the planet. Or how about screwdrivers? You will find a fascinating array of lengths, styles, colors, and brands but good luck finding one made outside of China or with materials acquired with any kind of intentionality (i.e. outside of a monolithic global supply chain). Imagine ever saying this, "Hey check-out my new screwdriver. Beautiful craftsmanship, huh? The handle is made from premium tar-sand polymer from Alberta and the removable bits are from steel originally mined in a LEED-certified sustainable mine and recycled just across town in Rivergate. It is fastened together with epoxy chemically engineered and produced a few miles away in Tigard."

Squirrel!
In the majority of cases (food may be a new exception in some parts of the country) we aren't given choices, we are given distractions. Distractions from the fact that we don't know anything about how the world around us works. We couldn't make it work if we wanted to. All the practical skills we had a century ago have been outsourced to machines in the industrial economy. Most of us would literally die in a few weeks or months if the stores around us closed. So maybe all our choices are necessary distractions from the fact that we are no longer in control; from the fact that we have become helpless and dependent upon the homogenizing industrialization that is supposed to be serving us.

I just finished reading The Outline of Sanity, by G.K. Chesterton. The thesis of the book (written 85 years ago) is that capitalism and communism are both going to have disastrous consequences for humanity if implemented on a large scale. The irony for we who would pit them against each other is that they will do so in precisely the same way, by producing the kind of economy we have now. Most people seem to think that communism has been weighed in the balances and found wanting. Most people have much higher hopes for capitalism, but Chesterton, that portly prince of paradox, is not so optimistic. Capitalism for him is creating "big commercial combinations, often more imperial, more impersonal, more international than many a communist commonwealth."

I agree. This monopolistic tendency in capitalism is difficult to thwart and as corporations grow and follow their bottom line, they will not learn to compete better (as Adam Smith would have wanted) but learn to crush (or buy) the competition and influence the government that oversees it all. So we will continue bailing out the GMs and the Fords rather than let anyone else try a hand at making our cars. In communism the government swallows up all enterprises and in capitalism the enterprises swallow up all government, but the end result is the same: plutocracy.

So Chesterton argues for a pastoral revolution known as distributism, a third way (neither Smith nor Marx) in which we reestablish an ethic of private land-ownership, anti-industrialism, and local control of everything, thus restoring our dignity, our souls, and our freedom.

Well, kind of. Google (all praise to our corporate overlords!) tells me that freedom means "the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint." If we are honest we will admit that this is entirely unachievable. Freedom is a pipe dream. It's the dangled carrot that keeps us in the game, but which we will never wholly grasp. If we burn down the factories and throw all the machines into a giant pit we will have more of some freedoms (like the freedom to get away from our work computers and justifiably spend time I don't know, whittling something) but less of others (like the freedom to buy a gallon of milk for a fraction of a percent of a day's wages). Some of us equate freedom with getting out of the office. Others equate freedom with unlimited discretionary spending. Whichever freedom we choose, we will still be in bondage to a million other restraints on what we can do, say, or think. By cosmic standards our bodies, voices, and brains are just too infinitesimal to ever do anything truly "without hindrance or restraint."

Freedom!
Yet, our desire for freedom and our struggle to achieve it are unrelenting. True freedom is a fundamental human desire which continues to span a wide range of human activities. Moses, Spartacus, and William Wallace aren't the only ones we remember for setting their people free. Plato led our souls out of a cave, Galileo turned our minds back from a dead end, and Dylan went electric. Isn't desire for freedom even at the root of drug addiction? People get high to escape vertically from the prison walls of their own minds.

Which leads to a deeper issue. It's not just that we want to jump higher, make more money, or have more time. We want to be transcendent. Though we are dazzlingly finite and contingent, we are still lamentably convinced that transcendence is within reach, and that hope keeps many of us going. But the truth is that we will never have the most fundamental freedom of them all, freedom from ourselves. Imagine, if you will, an existence in which you are truly free from obsessing over your appearance, your wittiness, your safety, your future, your happiness, or whatever. If we are honest I think we will all admit that we are very faithful slaves to one or more of these forms of narcissism. This, honestly, is one reason that I am a Christian. Though too rare an occurrence, it is through a trinitarian understanding of the universe that I can at times experience complete self-forgetfulness, the most glorious freedom imaginable.

"When the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed..." even from your own self. - cartoon stolen from xkcd